You know what water needs? It needs the tried and trusted guff of a challenge. We dare you to buy more of our product, go on, try it, I bet you can’t you gullible dribbling shitbrains. It’s sad enough that this kind of campaign might ever work, but even sadder when said campaign is fronted by the most irritating cunt ever to grace British ad breaks. He’s a poor man’s Jamie Oliver. He’s a short version of Vernon Kaye. He’s a cunt. He’s stepping up to the position of advertising’s biggest gaping anus since Mickey from the Head and Shoulders adverts.
“Not very mobile are you, for a phone.” says the Paul Merton voiced animated mouse. Let’s just spend thirty seconds thinking about this. Which is clearly 28 seconds longer than M&C Saatchi spent thinking about it.
1) The Stephen Fry voiced phone is a landline phone, not a mobile phone and therefore mobility is low on its list of priority features as it needs to be plugged in to a wall.
2) It’s got FUCKING WHEELS AND IS DRIVING AROUND ON ITS OWN. HOW MUCH MORE FUCKING MOBILE CAN A FUCKING LANDLINE PHONE GET THAN TO DRIVE AROUND UNDER ITS OWN VOLITION USING ITS VERY OWN BUILT IN FUCKING WHEELS.
3) You hire Fry and Merton and give them a script worthy of Winner.
Mother London: Let’s get a frame of some kind of comic book super hero woman, write “I’m no superwoman” on it because it’s like fucking subversive or something, badly paste a cut out of some bird on top using MS Paint and then write “hello you” on the top for absolutely no fucking reason. Oh, and make the bird greyscale and then have the product in colour please MS Paint’s talking paperclip as the can is lost in amongst all this shit we’ve cobbled together. Fucking perfect. Print this cunt and fetch me a whore.
Update: The more I look at this the more baffled I am at what the fuck they thought they were doing. Is Duffy supposed to be tiny and glued to the inside of a comic book? Is the comic book enormous and Duffy is yogic flying in front of it yet casting mysterious yogic shadows that bear no relation the laws of physics? The only conclusion I can draw is that the work experience boy did this and some poor, overworked creative director just said “fuck it, it’s aimed at women and they’ll buy anything.”
